So you are thinking about a divorce...

For many, getting a divorce is the worst experience of their life. But it doesn't have to be so emotionally traumatizing.

First, do you really want to take this step? I mean really. Or should you open up new ways to communicate with your spouse?

Rarely do I see a case where one party is a complete saint while the other is a total rogue. It is a relationship that may be dysfunctional, but it may not be beyond help. A professional counselor can play an important role in helping you and your spouse understand the friction points and poor habits that must change to sustain a lasting marriage.

Some relationships, however, are beyond repair for a thousand reasons as unique as each individual involved.

If this is the case, a divorce may be the solution to get both parties back on a positive track in their lives. It doesn't, however, mean that the court system is a new tool to use to punish your soon-to-be ex, nor is it a place you should carry the emotional turmoil of your life.

Our judges are good people, not without understanding for those who appear before them. But they have a tremendous caseload and quickly lose patience with parties to legal actions who disobey discovery orders, use the legal system to taunt their partner, are careless about care for children, or display abusive behavior.

To be clear, your fears and emotions can and will be a factor for you to manage. Along with your finances, children, property and family relationships.

Here are some things to think about and guidelines to follow to ease your passage through this unfortunate situation:

1. If there is physical abuse involved in your relationship or with your children, that is intolerable and there are civil and criminal processes to stop it.


2. Do not lie. Your divorce attorney, the opposing counsel and the judge have seen it all. It is much easier on you to deal with an uncomfortable truth than it is to clean up a dishonesty on the legal record.


3. Use an attorney who is focused on settlement, rather than litigation. It is less expensive and traumatizing to settle your differences out of court. The law is quite clear on division of debts, assets and the allocation of child support and other costs.


4. Gather your financial records proactively. If you are like most people, these records may be in various places. If you wait till the last minute to dig these out of the clutter of life, it will add stress to your situation and create the sense you are hiding something from opposing counsel.


5. If you have children, they are your No. 1 concern. You must put aside your own feelings and shelter theirs. It is very helpful if your spouse does the same thing.


6. The emotional challenge of a divorce, for many, is the worst part. But it also is a chance for you to change and grow emotionally. It may take time, but you will recover.